32 and counting.

I never believed them when they said - wait until your thirties.   

As if my thirties were going to be this profoundly different part of my life.  I didn't have to think about it anyways, I was in my twenties, with years ahead of me before I had to think of the unthinkable thirties. 

And then I blinked, and here I was.  In my thirties. 

I had to face a few things - some hard ugly truths, that I could no longer run from: 

1. I was going to marry a man that I didn't think I loved anymore. 
2. I did not like my job - at all.  In fact, it was soul crushingly dull. 
3. I had gained weight.  
4. That forehead wrinkle was real, so was that grey hair.  I was actually getting older.  
5. My friends were all having children, and I was realizing more and more, that I did not want children.  Or maybe I do?  Verdict is still out on this one. 
6. People come and go from your life - all the time.  Some of those people are going to be life long friends, and some were just going to be there to teach you something.  
7. Stress, depression and anxiety were my newest companions - and they were taking ugly forms in my life.  I needed to start dealing with these things.  
8. My life was a hamster wheel and I gave up control of how it was playing out - I literally could not figure out how to get off and regain my sense of self. 
9. I did not like the life I was living.  At all.  

To be clear, that's not to say that my life wasn't full of wonderful things too.  I travelled, I had friends, I had a wonderful partner (for the most part) and I had a loving family.  I mean, heck, I was even really good at my job.  For some reason, I just couldn't shake this growing feeling, that something just wasn't right.  

I started to lose myself.  I can blame societal pressures - the idea of getting married, buying a home, working that 9-5, making a beautiful family with my beautiful partner and living the rest of my days happily ever after.  But...and the big but...what if there was something more out there for me?  What if I wasn't living the life I was supposed to be living?  What if there were other ways to live - to truly have a fulfilling life; according to you and no one else but you.  

In 2022, I had finally reached a point in my life, where I felt completely backed into a corner with no options.  I felt like I had to physically fight my way out.  If I wanted to change my life, I needed to start with me.  I needed to choose to live a different day.  No one was coming for me.  I needed to be my own saviour.  

I called off the wedding. 

I left my partner.  

I moved out of our apartment.  

I bought a one way ticket to Europe. 

I quit my job. 

So here I am, figuring out this next chapter.